I’m disabled. It was not until this year that I began to accept that, and realize that my illness (or rather diseases) is here to stay. This year I was diagnosed with systemic autoimmune disease known as Sjogren’s syndrome.
I will not lie, this disease is cruel. I honestly do not know how I’m going to feel from one day to another. I had a feeling that a few years ago probably had an autoimmune disease because my whole body seemed to be under attack. I have been diagnosed with diseases such as interstitial cystitis and fibromyalgia, but I do not want to believe he could not cure them. I tried every remedy I could, but eventually my health was only getting worse. He was angry that no matter how much willpower I had or how much money I spent, I could not get well. He was angry at others for being able to take their health for granted. Above all, I was angry with myself for the guilt he felt and the need to apologize again and again for being sick.
Recently I decided I’m not going to apologize for not being able to do what I was able to once. Saying the words “sorry” implies that I have no control over my debilitating symptoms. We think this guilt with a chronic illness because we feel that somehow we have brought upon ourselves. I can not apologize or feel guilty for not being able to make plans, or unable to work, or sometimes even brush my hair. It’s not my fault. I spent a lot of time trying to
convey what it feels like to be wrong to others, and avoided the fact that I was not willing to accept my limitations. I refused to believe he was not going to improve.
Now, for my mental health, I have to mourn my old life and just let it go. I am releasing this energy in the universe so it no longer weighs me. I know first hand that chronic disease can break your heart again and again, and will not be days when you feel like loneliness will break into a thousand pieces, but I would remind you that it is not their fault. I know you’re just doing the best I can.
I did not want to accept how sick she was because she felt like giving up, when in fact learning to accept my limitations and put aside the blame has been the best for me. It’s what allows me to start again.
I would like to believe that I have been given this disease for a reason. If it comes to educating people about the disease, or to learn a lesson about myself, or hell maybe it’s just that I’m strong enough to take the knocks. Whatever the reason, I’m learning to embrace her. Who knows, maybe I’m becoming a superhero. That is, my body does make things a “normal” body does not.
